TW// suicide, death, grief
Sorry, this is kind of awkward...I didn't expect to make such a heavy post so early. But this is a place for me to talk about whatever. I'll probably just hold off on posting this one for a while.
I had a friend called Robbie. We knew eachother decently. Hadn't talked much recently, but I still thought of him occasionally. He killed himself recently.
As of the 21st of January, his funeral is tomorrow.
I've thought a lot of things in the past week, your typical suicide bereavement stuff. Things like why did you do it? Could I have saved you? Why did you let yourself become another statistic? Why are you going to let people remember you as someone who you weren't? Why did you think your life so disposable? Am I doing the right thing?
He was extremely kind and dedicated. The sort of guy who was down to do pretty much anything with you and would put his heart into it. He was also very vulnerable at times, and struggled with depression. A bad home life and addiction despite being around 15. He was a hopeless romantic, too - the kind that would crush on people who never had the chance at liking him back and become depressed. He was so full of love, and I suspect it was in part an expression of his desire to have it.
Looking back, his death sort of recontextualizes some of his past actions. Or at the very least raises questions. Were you thinking about killing yourself when you took those photos of the sunset and posted them? Were you purposefully trying to give me something to remember you by when you gave me this necklace?
I will forget what he looks like someday. Not in the way that a photo can preserve - the way he looked to me. The way he looked when he was alive and I was talking to him. I'll forget it someday. Now that he is gone, the only thing left is the individual memories of him. People's memories are skewed - the Robbie I knew is different from the Robbie you might've known. I'll forget my Robbie soon enough, and this thought depresses me.
I liked to call him short and make fun of him for being a stupid little kid. He liked to ask for hugs sometimes, and I wish I had expressed more affection towards him isntead of trying to act nonchalant. I'm the youngest sibling of my family, but our relationship made me feel like an older brother, and his departure makes me yearn for a younger one.
Part of this brotherly affection comes from how much of myself I saw in him. I mean this quite literally - he bears an uncanny resemblance to my younger countenance. Short, tan, transmasculine asian boy with glasses and an awkward shoulder hair length. And the way he sort of latches onto people quickly.
I bought some flowers for the funeral tomorrow and arranged them in a way I thought appropriate for his character. Sunflowers, for how his presence sparked affection wihin me; Dark red and purple flowers, for his favorite color was red; Eucalyptus and these pretty green flowers for how down to earth he was; and white flowers, for how young and innocent he was.
I don't feel much despair right now, and I haven't for a few days. I suspect it will hit me in droves tomorrow.
When everyone was grieving, a lot of the sentiment was "I hope you're in a better place/resting easy now".
"I'd like to think you're in a better place, but I know you're just dead." Is what I thought in response.
I suppose I'm not the type of person to find euphamisms appealing. Not that I would judge others, they're just not for me. I made a joke about killing myself the other day and a friend who didn't know Robbie but heard about what happened laughed and said, "Isn't that a bit soon?" in that half-joking half-serious manner. I guess I'm not the type of person to be iffy about that sort of thing either. General jokes about suicide weren't what drove him to the brink - it was likely the bad home life and depression. General stuff, you know. As long as you're not crudely joking about him as some awful people have, I don't see the issue. I made those jokes before and I'm not changing. I know you're just dead.
This is an awful thing to read, isn't it? Why would anyone read this...